The Konoha Daily
by AthenaSFM
Summary: In which a newspaper outlet claims that Sasuke is a bisexual harlot, Hinata's a voyeur and Sakura's into BDSM. Add a suspicious orange Hokage and his ANBU to the mix. Hinata fainted, Sakura is livid and Sasuke is going to kill Naruto and Sai.


**Original Author's Note:** This was a plot for a two-shot drabble but somewhere along the way, it has gotten longer. Blame my Google Drive. I tried to proof-read it myself but there is only so much to notice when it's your own story. God of Grammar, please excuse my lack of talent.

 **Disclaimer:** If I own Naruto, Neji would still be alive. *sobs sobs* Why did Neji have to die? *cry cry*

 **Edit:** This story was posted around 2013 and was deleted by yours truly because I was an emotionally-stunted teenager who thinks she cannot live up to the expectations of avid fanfic readers. I still am tho, I just no longer give a flying fuck. It's been sitting in my flash drive for 4 friggin' years. About time this shit got reposted.

Again, original story unedited, unbeta-ed and constructive criticisms are welcomed.

* * *

 ** _Chapter 1_**

He opened his eyes and tried to sit up only to fall back on his bed with a massive headache. Closing his eyes and digging deeper into his pillow to ease the hangover, he groaned when the pain seems to worsen. _Fuck_.

Last night, he went to a drinking spree with the dobe. _The fucktard is seriously enjoying his title,_ he thought bitterly to himself when he remembered why he went to drink with their Hokage.

Yup, Naruto is now Konoha's 7th Hokage.

They celebrated Naruto's 500th day on his seat. They also celebrated his 100th, his 200th and so forth. He seems to love celebrating every-fucking-milestone in his life with just the two of them. With sake. Heck, they even celebrated the anniversary of his relationship with Sakura. Aren't couples supposed to celebrate the day together? With Naruto's brain capacity of a frog (pun not intended), he was not even surprised to learn that he doesn't know. He shouldn't really underestimate Naruto's idiocy.

He supposed he should feel bitter about the llittle celebrations they do. Sasuke wanted that title himself. When he finally understood his older brother's intentions, all he wanted was to rule over Konoha because no matter what he had become and what he did, he no longer wish for anyone to feel what he felt.

So he strived. He strived to become the Hokage. He fought against the monstrous power of his ancestors and won alongside everyone. He went to Konoha's jail voluntarily and accepted the trials and probations he was given so that they could finally see that he really has changed. Naruto, the War's Hero, had backed him up. After all, he's the guy who believed in him the most and never failed to surprise, even those who knows him thoroughly, what he would do for his best friend.

After everything, Naruto had challenged him officially for the title of the Hokage. They talked with their fists and techniques. Blood, sweat and tears. What they had was compared to the friendly rivalry between Kakashi and Gai. Their sensei just smile, or what he thought he did behind that mask, and Gai who said that the youth in them has blossomed and would never wilt. He did not complain about that. He doesn't have any reason to. At least, he could be Kakashi and there is no way in hell that he would be the younger Gai. He'd rather commit seppuku.

Or just maim who-the-hell made that comment.

Brushing the thought from his mind, he stood up and didn't pay a heed to his headache and proceeded to go downstairs. Once he was in the foyer, he noticed a newspaper forced on the space between his door and the floor. _Konoha Daily_ , he assumed. He never subscribed to any newspaper so it makes him wonder why there is one on his door. _Probably sent by Naruto._ From what he can remember from last night's escapades, Naruto mentioned something about the news outlet. He shrugged as he picked it up and prepares to make himself a breakfast. It's free so it's good. A free newspaper won't hurt him.

 _Right_?

Right.

His breakfast consists of a cherry tomato salad and a cup of black coffee. A tomato salad that only has cherry tomatoes in it. It's a salad, other opinions doesn't matter. He propped on the chair and started eating. As he sip the steaming drink, he opened the newspaper to read. What caught his attention and what made him stop drinking was the big, red headline that says, Sasuke, the sole survivor of the Uchiha Clan is a bisexual. He blinked a few times hoping that it would changed but it didn't. He spit whatever he has in his mouth and read the offending column.

* * *

 **Sasuke, the Sole Survivor of the Uchiha Clan is a** **Bisexual Harlot**

 _by the Unnamed Secret Ninja of the ANBU root_

Sasuke appears to be a bisexual. A source found out about an internet site named Fanfiction (where there are what seems to be deranged fans, most are rabid and they do bite) tells about his love stories, or rather sexual romances, with a great number of men and women of our world. As we already know, he is quite popular with the ladies. Thus he was paired with Karin, Sakura and Ino and the women who never even paid him a side glance like the Hyuuga princess, Temari, Konan, Ten Ten and even Tsunade! Gross, I know. Tsunade-sama is no pedophile, but, who knows?

Moving back to the topic, he was also paired with men by no other than our very own orange Hokage, the fifth Kazekage, Orochimaru, Kakashi, Neji, Shikamaru, Orochimaru again, all of Akatsuki and myself. Also Orochimaru. At least, he is not in a relationship with the Raikage. The Raikage's shaft is probably all shaggy and wrinkly.

I have asked a few people related to this case and this is what I have found. I can't seem to ask for Sakura and Hinata's reaction for the pinkette had cracked my skull and the Hyuuga princess had fainted. I would never dare to ask the latter again, Neji's Eight Trigrams One Hundred Twenty-eight Palms is really deadly.

The people I was able to interview without much damage to my body are...

 _Kakashi_ : I never knew my student likes me. Maybe I should give him an oral lecture what to do in the act.

 _Shikamaru_ : Troublesome...

 _Gaara_ : Is this love?

 _Temari_ : Not lazy enough for me.

 _Orochimaru_ : Sssshhh... I knew it... I knew he liked my tongue.. shhh... it does wonders...

 _Ino_ : Sasuke is like 100 arcs late in liking me.

 _Hokage:_ He can't stand me! My * would destroy him!

But I knew that the Hokage was joking because his * is the size of my thumb. How can a dainty thing destroy someone like Sasuke? I don't know about what goes on in his mind but if he likes, I could help him and join the fun. I go both ways.

The question is, is he a _seme_ or an _uke_? Tune in for the next issue. We will do our best to answer your questions.

* * *

He was furious to say the least. His hands are trembling. He, unknowingly, had destroyed his own dining table and his food are all over the place.

Obsidian eyes now red with fury, he promised himself would never live up to this kind of embarrassment ever again.

He knew right away who to kill. Sai's going to pay for this. It has been long since his Sword of Kusanagi: Chidori Katana had been put to use.

Today, Sasuke receives a copy of Konoha Daily.

Today, Sasuke is going Amaterasu on Sai' ass.

Today, Sasuke is proclaimed Konoha's bisexual harlot.

* * *

Questions?

Reviews are always appreciated. :3

Listening to: BTS' Blood, Sweat and Tears


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